The funny side to life as a working single Mum. My stories of embarrassing escapades, toddler tantrums and great expectations.
Saturday, 4 August 2012
10 things to do when overdue in pregnancy (the alternative list)
We have
all read the usual lists which contain enlightening suggestions of things to do when overdue
such as reading a good book, watching a film or washing baby clothes. In all
honesty these tips are either ridiculously obvious or as dull hearing yet
another woman tell you how kinky 'Fifty Shades...' is. I like to think that the
following is a list of far more inventive and entertaining ways to spend your
final days with child:
1, Go out
for dinner in a busy restaurant and, when you get massive cramp in your massive
arse, jump up suddenly and loudly. If not suffering cramps, do it anyway. Watch
the staff shit themselves and the childless couples around you look really
uncomfortable.
3. Take a bus or train ride and when (if) someone offers you a seat act horrified and demand to know what they are suggesting.
4. Head
to Boots but not for your usual breast pads and Bio Oil. Browse the contraceptive
aisle for a while and engage an assistant in an in depth conversation about which
method is best.
5. Ask
for a tour of your local gym. When they ask you what you want to use the gym
for tell them you have a bit of a belly to sort out for your holiday to Ibiza
next month.
6. Go
speed dating and watch the horrified and potentially disgusted looks on the
faces of the singletons. In particular the men as they sit down uncomfortably
and think of something to say.
7. Take a
trip to Ann Summers. Ask the assistant for advice on the crotchless knickers
and nipple tassels. If you are really brave you could even ask them which sex
toy is best to bring on labour.
8. Go to
your local shop or cafe and pick up a bag of prawn cocktail crisps. Proceed to
ask the assistant whether you can eat them because they contain shellfish and
you are concerned about the risks in pregnancy. Please note someone genuinely
asked our midwife this question. I shit you not.
9. Take a
trip to the cinema to see a 15 or 18 rated film and ask the staff whether you
allowed because you are carrying a minor. Even when they look confused and tell
you it is not a problem, leave quickly, looking upset and ashamed.
10. The
possibilities are endless. Use your imagination to make being overdue in
pregnancy as inventive and enjoyable as possible.
Note: I
have not tried out all of these ideas and am not a medical professional. I am
not suggesting that sex toys or any other point from the list will help to bring on
labour or is a good plan in any way.
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