The funny side to life as a working single Mum. My stories of embarrassing escapades, toddler tantrums and great expectations.
Showing posts with label television. Show all posts
Showing posts with label television. Show all posts
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Up in arms.
For some unknown reason I switched on to 'Lorraine' one morning this week while having breakfast as Ethan played in his gym. What I was faced with was four women discussing arms. Yes, you heard me right. Arms. In a deadly serious tone, as though they were finding a soution to world conflict or poverty. Apparently ladies, getting the correct size, style and tone of arm is the key to a happy Christmas and I dare say a happy life. Shit the bed, if I had known that I wouldn't have spent years searching for true love, good friends and building a family. I also wouldn't have bothered learning anything, teaching or writing. Cheers for the enlightenment Lorraine and chums.
I understand that obviously body image, dieting and exercise are topics of conversation on these shows but with a focus on arms it is more comedy gold than anything else. After watching a few minutes I decided to bake a massive cake with a shit load of sugar and butter in. That's my Christmas fucked then. If only I had paid more attention to Lorraine. Imagine the headlines: 'Daytime telly saved my arms AND family Christmas.' I've missed my chance but there is still time for your arms to be saved.
As a Mummy mate said when I told her about the feature: 'Lorraine can cock right off.' Couldn't have put it better myself.
Disclaimer: this is written for entertainment purposes and is in no way a personal attack against Lorraine and the gang.
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
Fifty Shades of Grey? Give me food porn any day.
My name is Catherine and I am a food porn-aholic.
I don't know if it is just me or whether I have just reached that stage, or should I say age? I have never watched soaps, I don't follow sport and reality TV rarely catches my attention. I only ever watch the odd comedy show, documentary and so it seems, food shows. I love it. From 'Masterchef' to 'Come Dine with Me' nothing makes a night in better than a lovely bit of rump, a sexy salad and a tarty torte! I even found myself watching the Hairy Bikers tour the US the other day. Although, honestly, the show is really good and really funny AND hairy! What more could you want on a dull Wednesday night?
I am not too sure why I enjoy watching these shows so much. I am not a chef, nor do I aspire to be one. I do not consider myself a 'foodie' of any kind and I am not a wine snob by any means. I enjoy baking and I think I am pretty good at it. Either that or my family and friends have been lying to me about how much they enjoy my cakes! I enjoy what you could consider fine dining and wine but I also enjoy nothing more than a huge plate of hot wings and a bottle of Budweiser. So, why the addiction to food shows?
My first guess is that I like food. A lot. A simple answer which leaves this piece rather redundant and surely there must be more to it that just being a greedy bitch who likes cakes. A lot. . Often my menu of the day consists of half finished mugs of tea and super noodles topped off with lashings of custard creams and bourbons while looking after my now 9 week old son; hardly fine dining. Why then, would I want to watch Ramsay shout at his desperate chefs: 'Move your arse Big Boy and get the beef in the fucking oven!' on a loop for 45 minutes? The first answer is that it is funny; harsh but funny. The best example of classic Ramsay humour I recall is the occasion he offered a challenger the advice of 'don't fuck it, make love to it' when referring to kneading bread. If this isn't both drama and comedy gold, I don't know what is. The second answer is that when a chef on the show actually produces something so good looking that I don't know whether to make love to it, fuck it or eat it. While I may never have the skill to produce something this good or the money to pay someone else to, it is an aspiration to what I could eat. The possibilities through food shows are endless.
This leads me to the comparison between my love of food porn and the current addiction of millions of women to 'Fifty Shades of Grey' critic dubbed Mummy porn. When women read 'Fifty Shades of Grey' they apparently gain an erotically charged satisfaction missing from their day to day lives. Through Mr Grey and his chamber of secrets or whatever the fuck it is they too can live out their fantasy of becoming a sex slave. How wonderful. In my alternate universe, however, I can use the likes of Mr Ramsay to live out my food fantasies. I too can become a slave to scallops, a seducer of saffron and get scandalous with savignon blanc. That's a posh wine right? It sounds French so it must be posher than a bottle of Blue Nun at least.
When it comes to porn you can keep your whips and chains. Save them for Gaga and Rhianna and pass me a knife and fork. Kinky eh?
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